Thus begins my recommitment to this blog: as part of my recovery plan, I've scheduled hours for journalling so that I can better work out my thoughts and feelings. Or, at the very least, be conscious of them. This will likely be more streams-of-consciousness and emotional than my usual analytical prose so bear with me, reader. I rang in the New Year with a set of new friends. My friend's friends. I started borrowing them and entering into their circle of activities this past weekend - it was the greatest feeling having a group of robustly supportive people around me. I have a lot of difficulty articulating what it is exactly that is so sorely amiss in my relationships with NU grads. It's as if there's a fundamental frequency shift that keeps us from fully being on the same page, and I can't put my finger on it. It can't simply be a question of academic background, because I have many a close friend with whom I share next to no academic similarities with. So what is it exactly that makes spending time with NU grads so fraught with anxiety and feelings of maladroitness? I'd venture to say it's a class difference. We have very different core values which inform how we interpret things, the standards that we set for ourselves and for others, and the margins of tolerance and acceptance that we are accustomed to. I think those core values are set early on in life, and that they correspond to a particular class. They're learned so subconsciously that we are not aware of them, and they begin to dictate our personalities and priorities in spite of all the changes that we go through in our lives. I think that my core values correspond to those of people who were born into a similar class as me - white-collar, upper middle class, focused on getting and staying ahead of the economic curve, and rooted in traditional understandings of virtue such as hard work, efficiency, economy, perseverance, patience, organization, planning and structure. It's true that I've come to question all of these so-called virtues (mostly because I've taken them all so far that I've been diagnosed with severe depression and an eating disorder), but it's also true that they are fundamental to everything I experience. I have trouble eradicating the virtuous aura that surrounds any allusions to hard work and saving up money. I think I share this unshakable worldview with those who grew up in similar class conditions as me, and it's this worldview that makes me unable to easily communicate with those who grew up under different circumstances. Communication is, for the most part, anticipation and intuition. In short, mind-reading is a crucial component in any conversation. If we did not already have a fairly good idea of what a person is about to say, it would take forever to actually have a conversation and get ideas across. The speed at which we communicate requires a large degree of intuitive knowledge. It's been pointed out to me many times that I often finish sentences of friends with whom I'm fairly close. I know what they're about to say, just as they know what I'm about to say. My friends have completely different habits, dreams, preferences and backgrounds from me, but we share core values that allow us a common platform of consensus upon which we can intuit and understand each other at a deeper level. In the case of most NU grads, I find that there is a fundamental difference between my core values and theirs. I'm endlessly frustrated by the apathy and lack of energy in the graduate community. In general, the university fails to be self-critical and to strive to improve. It's funny because academically, it's striving to do a lot of really radical, new things and yet it hypocritically fails to do anything radical or even contemplate changing the way things are done within itself. Obvious and often harped upon failures are simply repeated year after year, students and faculty members having given up on changing anything for fear of political repercussions upon their academic careers. This is a school where people are frightened to test limits, their own personal limits when it comes to time and energy expended, as well as the limits of their responsibility when it comes to questions of community. People are downright unwilling to stretch themselves or to spend any extra time doing things that do not directly benefit their own academic credentials. Basic camaraderie does not exist. As much as GSD students were hypercompetitive, snobby divas, and downright cruel to one another at times, there was always a basic sense of unity and a need to display concern and vested interest in fellow students's progress. It might have been a superficial display of concern, and nothing more than an attempt to squeeze out some personal gratification from seeing a fellow student struggle with something, but we did check in on each other regularly (and perhaps too much). We knew that to some extent the downfall of one member would negatively impact all of us, so we selfishly committed selfless acts, donating our time, energy and expertise to others's direct benefit in order to indirectly better our own lot. We got things done. We didn't dawdle, didn't put off anything, didn't just live with inconveniences that an incompetent administration put before us. We vehemently protested, we came up with solutions, we spent days, hours and months reworking the system ourselves or coming up with alternatives. We never shrugged and let the incoming students deal with it. We took it upon ourselves to do things that we were not obliged to do, and in fact should have expected as services provided to us given that we paid insane amounts of tuition. In many ways, we did it to prove that we were on top of things, that we were geniuses in our own right and that we could do our job as well as others's. It was a boasting point that we never slept and that our bodies gave out. But it was also an attitude of endless improvement and pro-activeness that is thoroughly middle-class. We saw the potential for endless expansion, for development, for getting ahead. I miss that a lot here. Here, that kind of enthusiasm and initiative is viewed as overbearing, snobby, and flashy. It's seen as inflated self-importance, meddling in things that are beyond you and your responsibilities. It's seen as an attempt to show other students up, to make yourself stand out as virtuous and admirable. For people who are so vested in being proactive and radical in their academic studies, NU grads are hopelessly conservative and apathetic in practice. The words always come out right, but there are never any actions. It's frustrating because I want to be able to chastise people for their lax attitudes yet cannot do so because they've veiled them in such politically correct terms. Anyways, this entry really wasn't supposed to be a rant. It was supposed to be a reflection upon how at ease and happy I've been feeling over the past few days in the company of new friends who share my core values. It's like being able to breathe again easily, to speak without second-guessing or getting anxious about whether somebody will find me offensive or dumb. We get each other's references almost all the time - we live within the same cultural milieu, from music to movies, actors, and games. I never knew that this was so crucial to my mental and emotional well-being, this sense of intuitive connection to other people. My sense of isolation over the past year was not just a symptom of depression, but the result of my inability to communicate to those around me. I couldn't get inside their heads and they couldn't get inside mine enough to really get a sense that others are on the same page as me. For all I knew, I was uttering words that held meaning only for me. There was an inability to verify with others the reality of what I felt or thought. I was living alone inside my head, and the world seemed indifferent and inaccessible to me.
Steph snoozed @ 1.1.13 | 0 comments

...who think that being vegan is pretentious, elitist, anti-social, narrow-minded or nonsensical, the following thoughts are for you. 


Myth #1: Only the middle and upper class can afford to be vegan. 


Usually this is uttered with the inference that to be vegan is to act in the interests of animals rather than fellow human beings. Being vegan is understood to be a demonstration of one's social position, which reinforces economic inequality. There are some blatant misunderstandings and unfounded assumptions behind this, as will be explained below.


a) Eating vegan is not expensive. In fact, it can be much cheaper than eating the most low-quality, processed foods you can find in the grocery store. People who tend to associate veganism with expensive products assume that vegans need to replace meat and animal products with trendy meat alternatives and superfoods, which most certainly are fairly expensive as well as difficult to find if you are not living near a specialty store. This assumption is false: most vegans do not desire the taste or texture of animals or animal products, and can live very well without it. There is a whole culinary world outside of meat and simulated meat, and it is not necessary to empty your wallet buying the latest soy cheese.


The other assumption that underlies this belief in vegans being expensive is the idea that considerable money needs to be invested into dietary supplements, i.e. specialty vitamins. This assumption is false: one can get sufficient amounts of iron and calcium from plants if you take a couple of minutes to simply  google up some basic nutritional information. Most nutrition websites can give you a list of very common plants that can provide you with sufficient iron and calcium. Moreover, the obsession with protein is unwarranted: the plant origins of protein have been written about by numerous articles so I will not repeat them here, but the gist of it is that animal protein is derived from plant protein in the first place, and there is no relative nutritional gain in consuming animal protein. To end up with a protein deficiency, you would have to be starving because there  is a certain amount of protein in most everything that you eat.


Even with a vitamin like B12 that is derived only from animals and animal products, there is no real need for supplements. The body stores up B12 and it takes years for it to sink to low levels, let alone turn into a deficiency. Moreover, B12 supplements are not expensive and you should not be using them often anyways or else you will be overdosing (and suffering all the side effects of that!).


Anybody who regularly grocery shops knows that vegetables are cheaper than meat and animal products. That is not to say that it's impossible for a vegan to buy organic fruits and vegetables from a high-end grocery or specialty store and rack up a bill that far exceeds an omnivore's. However, shopping in such a way is not endemic to veganism, and there is a large variety of inexpensive fruits and vegetables available at low-end grocery stores.


b) In order to eat vegan, you have to have the time and energy to cook from scratch. The idea is that because lower income households do not have the money to buy sufficient personal time, they cannot cook vegan food. Admittedly, rolling out pizza dough after a double-shift is highly unlikely when you can buy a ready-made meal and pop it into the microwave. However, cooking vegetables from scratch is not really that time-consuming compared to cooking meat, for example. Salads are easy to throw together, there is less likelihood of getting sick from undercooked vegetables than meat, and vegetables cook through much quicker than meat in general. 


A lot of omnivores have no conception of what a vegan meal looks like outside of specialty restaurants, and thereby assume that cooking vegan entails elaborate equipment and elevated gourmet skills. You do not need to grind your own almonds to make a vegan quiche every day. A simple pasta with vegetables is plenty quick and easy.




Vegetables can also keep well for a good while if you just put them into the fridge. Yes, meat and dairy products do last for a very long time especially in the freezer, but that does not mean that buying vegetables will entail extra, time-consuming grocery trips. Canned vegetables can be of better quality than fresh ones at times, and they will keep for a very long time.


c) Vegans are not just protesting against the maltreatment of animals, they are also protesting by proxy against the exploitation of human workers in animal factories. The food industry is not simply exploiting animals, but humans as well and there are plenty of food documentaries and literature that trace out the intertwining of economic and social inequalities that are perpetuated through the production of meat and animal products. We can't separate the production of grains, vegetables, and fruit from the production of animals, but in boycotting the meat industry we are objecting to its living and working conditions. Moreover, I am not saying that agricultural workers are less exploited than animal factory workers - on that count, I'd say that vegans and omnivores are at a tie on the "socially conscious" scoreboard. The only point I am striving to make is that vegans are not ignoring social ills in a traitorous lack of concern for the human species.


And here's a note for the vegetarians: even if you think you're not eating meat, you're implicated in the wonton destruction of animal life. Not only are the living conditions of egg-bearing chickens and milk-producing cows horrifying, egg-producing farms continually destroy male chicks to maximize their profits. The production process of an egg entails a number of animal deaths as a byproduct.


d) Being vegan does not necessarily exacerbate class stratifications, but can offer a way to bridge between the embodied effects of socioeconomic status (SES). I have yet to hear a cogently articulated connection between veganism's intensification of class stratification, but there is a clear connection between a low SES and poor eating. The general association of veganism with health and omnivorism with poor health may be how the class association is being drawn, and people with low SES do tend to be omnivores rather than vegans. This just goes to suggest that we should educate low SES households about veganism to improve their health (and obviate hefty medical bills in later life that will further lower their finances), rather than staying away from veganism because it's a sign of class difference.


In fact, veganism is a symptom of class difference, not just a sign. The kind of food knowledge, and the time and energy a vegan invests in is more accessible to the "leisurely" classes, but that is not to say that by eliminating the symptom of class difference, one has eliminated class difference altogether. If anything, by adopting veganism, perhaps low SES households can gain the benefits of a high SES status through health and lower living costs (cheaper grocery bill, no future medical bills, etc.).


Myth #2: Vegans/vegetarians are not "greener" than omnivores.


I'm responding to a misguided comment by somebody who thought that their education equipped them with brilliant insight into this, so let me relate what this person's argument was: raising animals does not contribute to rising CO2 levels because all the plants that need to be grown to feed the animals offset the CO2. This person then concluded that vegetarians/vegans are not improving the planet by not eating animals. Then, somebody else chimed in that they read somewhere it would not be sustainable to grow enough plants to support a vegetarian world population. There are some very strange logics (or lack thereof) at work here, so let me break these claims down.


a) Just because the CO2 produced by raising animals is offset by the simultaneous raising of plants, it does not mean that vegetarians/vegans are not improving overall CO2 levels. I'm not familiar with CO2 footprints for animal production (and I'm talking here about tracing the entire cycle, which I don't believe has been done satisfactorily yet because it's an infinite regression that is fairly impossible to do), but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt: let's say that the animal industry achieves a zero CO2 balance. Does that mean that omnivores are thereby a benign influence upon overall CO2 levels? Not if we look at relative CO2 contributions between omnivores and vegetarians/vegans. If we were to believe that vegetarians/vegans compel more plants to be grown and less animals, then we can assume that they are creating an O2 surplus (this is based on the belief that right now the CO2 is at a zero balance). In sum: vegetarian/vegan O2 production > omnivore O2 production. Vegetarians/vegans have a positive effect on the environment, whereas omnivores have no effect on the environment. In absolute terms, omnivores are benign to the environment. But in relative terms, they are detracting from the positive influence that vegetarians/vegans have on the environment and obstructing the production of surplus O2 needed to offset, say, petrol use. Just because omnivores may not be sending CO2 levels skyrocketing does not mean that their influence is equivalent to or better than that of vegetarians/vegans.


b) The last time I checked, the research said that it is environmentally unsustainable for us to continue increasing meat consumption. If we compare the amount of plants a human consumes to the amount of plants that, say, a cow consumes, and the number of cows a human consumes, the energy footprint of an omnivore far exceeds that of a vegetarian/vegan. The reason is fairly simple: omnivores are not getting their energy from food directly, and require an extra step that is itself a really complex, energy-consuming production system. The price of a steak does not just reflect the amount of energy required to produce the cow. It reflects all the equipment, processing, and transportation needed to produce cow feed in addition to all the equipment, processing, and transportation needed to get turn the cow into a steak. Somehow omnivores like to think that meat production entails only animals. They forget that an entire plant industry needs to be created to feed these animals, and that this plant industry is not the same as the one that feeds vegetarians/vegans.


Animal feed is a separate industry, and it is incredibly energy-consuming. While I don't know if replacing this industry with the kind of vegetable industry that is intended for direct human consumption would be "greener", I do know that the amount of energy it takes to grow a cow far exceeds the amount of energy it takes to grow a salad. I also believe that the most environmentally damaging agricultural practices are used in cultivating plants for animal feed: corn and soy are some of the most heavily genetically-modified and chemically treated crops and they for the most part are used to feed animals. These vast tracts of monocrops are not usually used for direct human consumption. If we were to replace them with more varied vegetables and fruits, I think it would be much more environmentally sustainable.


And I just need to insert a final disclaimer here: I am not in any way a proponent of "greenness" because I don't believe that we can even conceive of what it means or measure it in any meaningful way. The only reason I'm arguing that vegetarianism/veganism is "greener" is because the flawed logic behind what makes them "not greener" irks me (and I'm a militant vegan).








Steph snoozed @ 29.4.12 | 0 comments

My latest paranoia is about having an eating disorder.

I stopped eating over the summer break and again over the winter break. Turning nocturnal and sleeping 12 hours a day, I cut my meals down to a chocolate bar and half a bag of chips in Berlin. The more I slept, the more tired I felt, and the lazier I got about getting up and making food.

A lot of it was money-related. I had a bank account with thousands intended to be spent over the summer, but I couldn't do it. I just couldn't spend more than 0.60 centimes on myself per day. I didn't think that I deserved it. Minimalist living, minimalist needs - the austerity was not a measure of moral stringency, but a measure of self-worth. Spending money on myself felt like a waste. If I could do with less, why not do so? And once I started paring down my needs, it became a question of topping myself each day. If I exceeded the expenditures of the day before, I was racked with guilt. I'd make up for it the next day by starving myself and resorting to drinking water to fill my stomach. Food was an inconvenience that ate away at my bank account, and I was determined to ignore it.

Entering the academic year, I discovered that I could get away with $4 of groceries per week by eating the same veggies every day, and reducing the number of veggies I put into each meal. I can recall enjoying grocery-shopping last year, finding it fun to try new recipes and buy new things each week. This year, it's about how much less I can spend each week. How much less I can eat. The 3 meals a day and incessant snacking that I've been consuming for the past 4 years has given way to 1 or 2 meals a day and no snacks at all. Meals are all pretty much the same, and oftentimes I'm too lazy to buy groceries and manage to ration out my food to squeeze out an extra week's worth of meals.

Over the past couple of weeks, I've become obsessed with the UK show Supersize vs. Superskinny. What's shocking is that my mentality is completely in line with that of people who are suffering from eating disorders. Sleeping a lot and feeling cold are symptoms of caloric deficits, and punishing the body through food deprivation is typical for anorexics. Indeed, the rigour of self-discipline that anorexics subject themselves to is akin to my vegan drive. My calorie intake is lower than that of the "superskinny" participants, but I don't think I look anything as bad as any of them (or am I unable to see?).

The show concentrates upon the psychological underpinnings of eating disorders, and I think the tumultuous changes I've undergone over the past year may be just what tipped the scales for me. I've always dealt with stress by avoiding food. And my unhealthy food habits started early.

As long as I can remember, my mom always gave us a couple of cookies and a glass of milk for breakfast. Occasionally we'd try to eat cereal, but we were never too interested in it and it would take a year to finish a large box of cereal. Lunch in elementary school was a full meal because my mom didn't like us eating packed lunches. She'd drive us home for a hot meal instead. Lunch in high school was a stark contrast: a slice of cake or a slice of bread with some processed cheese. During that time, I started skipping breakfast. I'd feel sick if I had anything in my stomach in the morning.

By the time I was in undergrad, I was eating a meal a day. I didn't have time to make meals for myself, and I was rarely home to take meals with my family. The panic, stress, and lack of sleep gave me enough adrenaline to run on no fuel. Food was a disposable, time-consuming inconvenience and I was not going to let it get in the way of my busy schedule.

When I moved out, I took control of my diet. Not only did I become vegan, I was also determined to eat properly. I knew my food habits were horrible, but I also realized that a lot of it was due to my dependence upon my family for meals. I needed to be responsible for my own meals, and prove myself worthy of my newfound independence.

Lately, I've lost that sense of accountability to myself. I no longer have anybody to be accountable to. I felt like I could die while I was wandering around Europe over the summer, and nobody would know or care. Including myself.

Maybe this is my way of processing grief. Depression, loss of self-worth, loss of interest in life. Life's a kind of meaningless, day-to-day upkeep that I'm waiting to stop. I don't really feel trapped - just apathetic. I suspect I should go see a shrink and properly address the grief cycle that I suppressed. I can't get over it if I keep on putting it off. But I don't want to get over it. I want the moment to last forever so that it never really goes away because that's the only way I can suspend time. Everything was taken away from me. But maybe I can control time. It's much too late, but I'll make up for it by keeping time still now. And eventually maybe I'll be able to turn back time and change everything - I'd do so many things differently.

I cry sometimes at night. Some nights I'd wake up and be filled with an incredible sense of loss - more so than that horrible finals week when everything came crashing down. I found myself sobbing as if I'd just found out all over again.

Other nights I'm filled with rage. I imagine blood and it calms me.

It's amazing how many offenses you can recall when you're angry. They make forgiveness impossible. I desire revenge - avenge, really, because it's not for me. I've never thought of myself as anything but a medium for projects, causes, and others's well-being. That's another reason I don't eat...

I used to eat because it made my grandfather happy. He liked to watch me enjoy my food, so I'd enjoy it. My family thought I didn't like spicy food, so I didn't like it. They thought I liked starchy foods, so I liked them. I can say quite honestly that I don't really know what I like or dislike aside from whatever my family told me I liked or disliked. My grandfather's dead. I don't have a family any more. No wonder I don't know why I should eat or what I should eat.

I only eat if I have an audience. The audience of my internal eye lies dead now. It's hard to perform my life for nobody.
Steph snoozed @ 6.4.12 | 0 comments

Do you know the feeling of getting shot and needing to keep on walking?
You can't let on that you know there's a wound or else your body will stop working.
You feel light, giddy almost, because you know you're cheating. You're operating on time that's not yours.
And you can't stop walking because the second you hesitate, the dream will be over and you'll see the blood that's everywhere, your guts leaking out of your abdomen, your breath shortening with every step.
But life goes on and you must as well. Because nobody cries for someone who stops its stride. You can die later when it's more convenient. Right now, you have to finish the job.
Job after job after job after job after job...makes you wonder whether somebody's stringing you along. It hurts to keep this up. Why can't the assignments end so that I can stop walking?
Steph snoozed @ 25.12.11 | 0 comments

Panic

From my mother I inherited a craven fear of any degree of uncertainty and deviance from intended plans. Perhaps the word “fear” is inaccurate – frenzied panic is more like it. It eats me up inside, takes over all my thoughts, shortens my breath, drains the blood from my face, and leaves me incapable of doing anything other than obsessing with possible calamities.
I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few years learning to enjoy the present, an uncertain future notwithstanding. If there’s nothing more that can possibly be done about the future, it is senseless to keep worrying about it. I have to repeat that to myself in my head non-stop. Part of the problem is that I know I will hold myself accountable for any future calamities that could have been preventable had I just had the prescience to do something about it. My future self holds my present self by the throat, and threatens to squeeze.

So here I am, trying to reason myself down from code red to code…nothing. Given the openness of my current situation, I am beholden to nobody other than myself, and the situation cannot be improved. Part of the panic is due to my inability to see alternative ways of achieving what I want. With the future narrowed down to a single possibility, the stakes are suddenly raised to dizzying heights and the fulfillment of that possibility dons the appearance of absolute necessity. But it is hardly a necessity, and the world does not end if things don’t go as planned. My confidence in my ability to find an alternative path flat-lines, and my control over my life appears increasingly tenuous. I know that when push comes to shove, my survival instinct will kick in and somehow I will find a way to resolve things, but until that moment of certainty arises and I know that I will have to search for an alternative, I remain a captive of panic.
Steph snoozed @ 30.7.11 | 0 comments

Construction site photos from Ste Croix aux Mines

Wednesday, 6 August 2008

Measuring and cutting wood for the furniture.





Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Designing the desk.


Rustic lunch on-site: makeshift table with wooden wool insulation blocks for seats, and organic, home-grown grilled vegetables, baguettes, and (of course) some Alsace wine.

Steph snoozed @ 5.9.08 | 0 comments

MISSION PARIS

After a red-eye to Paris that was preceded by a whole morning of packing, repacking and rearranging things to fit the airplane check-in and carry-on quota, I found myself at the small Charles de Gaulle Terminal 3 with a Roissy/CDG stamp in my passport, no questions asked. Paris passport control is seriously easy-going.

I took a 45 euro taxi ride (stuck in traffic for half of it) to my hotel that was right between Pére Lachaise cemetery and the Parc des Buttes Chaumont. I managed to arrive right in time for check-in at 2 p.m. and then spent under 10 minutes lugging my 5 bags up to the 6th floor, spiral staircase notwithstanding. I got a great workout from it, as well as a new appreciation for my surprisingly not that bad muscle power. My largest bag weighed 40 lbs.

The hotel room was awesome in spite of its location. I had my own washbasin in the room, and shared the toilet and shower with the three other rooms on the floor. Even though I only paid 38 euros for it, there was a T.V., wardrobe, amazing balcony view of the Panthéon, Sacré-Coeur, and some other churches, and it was nice and clean.

After taking a brief half hour nap, I found maps at the reception and proceeded to wander up the rue de Pyrénées to find the nearest metro station. There is a Métro station at Pyrénées, but it's closed until August for renovations. Instead, I had to go to Parc des Buttes Chaumont, the creation of engineer-landscape architect Alphand in the 1800s.

More to come when I get into my studio and figure out the internet connection...
Steph snoozed @ 11.7.08 | 0 comments

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